The Home of Tax Free Asskicking
My new home … it’s infested with Pantry 1s! | Jan 11th 2007
As most of you already know, I recently switched jobs, which has brought me into the environs of Trenton, a charming town whose gold-domed city hall, looming, brutalist ’60s era concrete housing projects, giant statue of George Washington and numerous abandoned factories give the skyline a Moscow-on-theDelaware look.
Yes, Trenton is so cool, it has “environs” instead of suburbs.
The statue of George Washington is especially cool because of the posing. A bronze George stands atop a 150-foot pillar, his right arm outsretched and hand bent foppishly downward as if to say “girlfriend, please!” to our great country.
Last week, I had an appointment in City Hall and found myself driving around downtown Trenton in the shadow of these lovely buildings, looking for a quick bite to eat; maybe a Hessian takeout restaurant or a Borscht stand.
Howver, the first fast-food place I came across was a Pantry 1. The architectural cues gave the small conveneince store away as a former Wawa. I have seen small Wawas become Pantry 1s before, and it is a sad event that indicates the decline of our civilization. Pantry One :: Wawa as Bartertown :: Sydney.
I used to work at Wawa, and while it was no Zagat-rated restaurant, Wawas are definitely the best convenience store out there. Thanks to underpaid 16-year-old peons like I used to be, the places are generally clean, and you can get a decent sandwich there and whatever salty and/or caffeinated side dishes to go along with it. The coffee isn’t bad either.
Sadly, part of Wawa’s grand strategy seems to be switching from small convenience stores to Sam’s Club-sized Megawawas Of The Future. The upside is they are building new, larger Wawas with cheap gas, but the downside is that the old small ones all seem to become Pantry 1s.
Judging by my experience last week, here is what Pantry 1 does when they take over a Wawa:
- Spread black gunk all over the place. I don’t know how so much soot can get into a modern building without the aid of coal-burning furnaces, but somehow the engineers at Pantry 1 have devised a way to spread industral revolution-like quantities of what appears to be coal dust all over their establishments.
-Spray the place with “south Philly subway” scent air fresheners.
-Remove all the name-brand snacks, replace them with inventory from the dollar store.
-Hire unkempt mutants who resemble illustrations from a Warhammer 40k rulebook.
Still, for some reason, I decided I needed an Italian hoagie and just couldn’t wait to find a non-hellhole eatery. Approaching the deli, I noticed that the hobgoblin making the sandwiches was wearing a “stop snitchin’” t-shirt. In addition to that catchphrase, it said “gangsta rules in effect” and had a one-point perspective picture of a handgun pointing at you.
Also, Pantry 1’s don’t accept credit cards. I had to pay for my hoagie by extracting cash from a coal dust-covered ATM in the back of the store that probably sent my credit card number directly to the Greek mafia.
In conclusion, everything that is bad about America can be found within a Pantry 1. See you in hell, Pantry 1!
8 Comments »
Tbe words New Jersey to me mean the brand spankin’ new Westbrook Eagles jersey I got for Christmas. Like Trenton it is green and attributes it’s existance to Philadelphia, however it doesnt smell too bad. Yet.
Have you been watchin the games?
For the briefest of seconds from your title I had thought that perhaps Pantry 1s might well be cupboards purchased at a Pier 1. Such things do happen when you just move in to a new place. I dont think I could have been more wrong. If those stores are related Pantry 1 has got to be the creepy old uncle that Pier 1 doesnt like to talk about. Noooo, Im sure it’s just a coincidence. Lots of stores have the last name of 1. Like…um..711! Cold Stone ends in a one. Um, the Dollar store implies just 1…
Ok, bed time.
Comment by Rob — January 11, 2007 @ 8:26 am
And I thought you *liked* your new environs.
Comment by Dad — January 11, 2007 @ 3:27 pm
I like the new skin, except that it’s too narrow. Dates and times seem to be GMT. Is that something you can change? Something you’d want to?
Comment by Dad — January 11, 2007 @ 3:29 pm
I’ve never heard of Pantry 1 before. Despite it’s posh name (I also thought it was related to Pier 1 somehow), it sounds trifling. I hope it stays out of my neck of the woods, and out of Delaware, which I also still consider my neck of the woods. Yeah, I have two necks. It’s kind of weird, but you get used to it.
“Moscow-on-the-Delaware” sounds like the perfect “environ” for you, what with your affinity for all things Russian and Communist. I had not been aware you had moved there. What is your new job?
P.S. I love the foppy GW statue. I never knew the father of our country was so effete.
Comment by Katja — January 12, 2007 @ 12:33 pm
I DO like my new environs, except for Pantry One. I guess it wouldn’t make a very good blog post to write about all the things I’m satisfied with, of which there are many. Like the fact that I now have a washing machine. See? Boring.
Comment by sonobovich — January 14, 2007 @ 11:49 pm
K, I can’t really talk about my new job on the blog, since people in my industry have been fired for having blogs, even though there isn’t really anything controversial here. I’d rather stay on the safe side. I’ll send you an e-mail!
Comment by sonobovich — January 14, 2007 @ 11:52 pm
Rob, ha ha, creepy old uncle is right. But since Pantry 1 is newer, maybe it’s the creepy nephew who secretly takes a poo in the middle of the circular clothing racks at Sears.
P.S. Thanks for making the Eagles lose with your bad sports rooting mojo!
Comment by sonobovich — January 14, 2007 @ 11:54 pm
Heresy Online – Warhammer 40k Forums
Heresy Online is the internets newest 40k Forum. Galleries, Articles, Quizzes and an
informative, friendly community combine to make Heresy Online the ultimate 40k resource. We’re
so confident our members will like it here we give them each their own blog!
http://www.heresy-online.net
Comment by Dave — March 9, 2007 @ 1:12 pm